Alisiyad Chapter 24 ~ Love

When Liseli woke she lay still, staring at the grass blades before her face, listening to the roar of the waterfall.  She let ants crawl over her, skittering across her nose and tickling at the dried tears on her cheek with their tiny antennae. Then finally she brushed them away and pushed herself up, twisting around to blink into the sun.  She hadn’t slept long at all, only a few minutes, perhaps, but Alisiya was gone.

The dog was still there.  It lay on the ground, muzzle resting on its front paws as it watched her.  When she sat up, it sat up, a gold light kindled in its eyes.  Liseli backed against the rock instinctively, holding her breath. But the dog just sat and watched, making no move to tear her apart.  Liseli ventured another look around.  There was still no sign of Alisiya.  Perhaps she was in the cave, trying to make the Gate open up for her.  It would be too much to hope that she was gone for good.

Liseli swallowed, her throat dry with sleep, and she looked at the waterfall a moment.  But she didn’t want to drink from the Chaiorra.  It was Alisiya’s river.

She rested her head against the rock and stared at the sky, thinking.  Nothing that had happened seemed real, at that moment.  She felt nothing to tell her she had ever been pregnant — perhaps that was some lie or trick of Alisiya’s.  After all, how could she really tell?  She would have been, what, three days pregnant?  It was a lie.  It had to be.

But it’s not.  She put an arm across her eyes and shook her head.  It was unreal, and yet felt as real as Eliasha’s death.

Still, she was calm, now; calm, and alone, with a dog.  Alisiya had left her for awhile, and just knowing that made her feel light, released, clear-headed.  She didn’t feel she could cry if she wanted to, because she was empty.  She would mourn later, she told herself.  She wouldn’t think now of the why’s, just the how’s.

The voices telling her to despair and give up were silent — they were Alisiya’s voices.  Her own voice was clear: You will never do what she wants.  While you are alive you will never give in to her again.  Never again.  It is not your fault.  It is hers, it is her doing, and you will make her pay.  It’s only what’s right.

But do what?  And how?

Liseli dropped her arm from her face and looked at the dog.  She knew she was powerless against Alisiya.  Perhaps, if she had just come to this place, and had never drunk the water that gave Alisiya such hold over her, she would have a chance.  But it was too late for that.  The only thing she could do was refuse to help Alisiya, and endure the punishments thrown at her. There seemed no punishment left but death.  Alisiya had taken or broken everything else.

But what is it that she wants from me?  What on earth am I supposed to be able to do?

Think back, she told herself.  She hadn’t wanted to think back all day, because every time she did she ran into Russ.  She didn’t want to think of him in past tense, and that was all there was left, besides not thinking at all.

She forced herself to think back.

A long, long time ago, it seemed, they had been in the Mill.  Back home, where things made sense most of the time.  Back home, where a bad day or a good day was defined by whether or not Russ was late for work.  At least, that’s how simple it seemed thinking back.  Thinking way back, to home.  She shook her head.  They had been in the Mill.  She had been upset, why had she been upset?  What was there to be upset about?  She’d been unhappy with her life.  It had seemed so small, and it wasn’t going anywhere, it was uninspiring, uneventful; it would not make a good story.  That was why she’d been upset.  And she was embarrassed, because there was Russ, looking at her as if she’d lost her mind.  He’d come to her secret place and looked at her like she’d lost her mind, and made her whole world shrink a little smaller.

And then he’d turned it inside out and made it disappear.

Liseli lifted her hands to her face, covering her eyes, shutting out the dog’s watchful gaze.  When she was alone with her memory she saw it all clearly.  She’d followed him out of her Mill into a world that was not hers, and would never be hers, where she could only become lost.  For so long she’d wanted him to surprise her, show her a face she hadn’t seen anywhere else, take her away, become something different.

And he had.

Liseli started to laugh into her hands.  Her shoulders shook and she shook her head with them.  Only Russ could do so much and be so hopeless; only he could open up an entire world without knowing how he did it or how to undo it; only he could do everything without trying and fail to do anything when he tried.

And she missed him.  She missed him so terribly much.

Her exhausted laughter turned to tears pooling in her hands.  It seemed a hundred years since she’d seen him last, a hundred years of wandering in and out of death, when all it had been was a couple days of dreaming.  It may as well have been a hundred years.

She felt warm breath against her hand, and stiffened mid sob.  A cold nose nudged her, and she screamed, rolling away.  The dog inched back warily as she opened her eyes.  She stopped screaming.  They stared at each other, both crouching tensely, waiting for the other to move.  It was a giant of a dog, with jet-black hide that glistened under its fur and eyes that glowed orange, the colors of the setting sun.  But it wasn’t the dog that had attacked her, or the dog that had attacked Russ.  It was not a dog that had killed Byzauki or Ilia, or anyone.  It wasn’t a hellhound.

It was just a dog.

And its eyes were beautiful.

Liseli reached a hand up to her throat, remembering.  When she woke up in Russ’s room, with Alisiya and Eliasha there, she had forgotten that her necklace was gone.  She hadn’t been thinking clearly.  But now as she felt nothing where the chain and pendent had been, she wondered where it had gone.  She had not worn in it her dreams.  She had worn it in the dry riverbed, and it had turned into a heart and bled itself out.  It was the colors of the setting sun, orange and red and gold like fire.

Dogseye meant protection, and caring, and love.

“Why?” she said, and the dog cocked its massive head slowly, as if asking “Why what?” back.

“Why, if you’re not an evil beast . . . ?  And you’re not evil; your eyes aren’t hellfire, they’re . . . people call it a dogseye stone, and call it protection.  Why don’t you protect?  Why did your kind kill instead of protect?  Why?”  Liseli crawled closer to the dog as she spoke, no longer afraid she would be torn apart.  The dog bent its head to her and she touched the dark muzzle.

“You love her, don’t you?”  Realization filled her like a dark tide.  Her heart sank in it.  “If Alisiya told you to kill, you would kill; she tells you to guard without harming, you do.  Why?  What makes you love her?”

The dog’s eyes sparked at the mention of its mistress’ name, but gave no other answer.

“What could I do?” Liseli mused, dropping her hand.  “If you wanted to obey me instead of her, you could tear her apart.  For me.  What could I do to make you love me instead?”

“Nothing.”

Liseli looked up, saw Alisiya.  She held a basket over one arm, and reached up to push her hood back.  “I raised them since they were puppies,” she said, looking past Liseli at the waterfall.  “I raised their parents and their parents’ parents.  They know nothing but what I tell them.  A long time ago my father bred them, with his magic, and they love me for being his daughter, if nothing else.  You could never turn them against me.”

Liseli stood up, and leaned against the rock.  “Could you turn them against him?”

“I already have.”

“The dogs that attacked us; your father didn’t send them.  You did.”

Liseli felt cold.  But it was obvious to her then; if she had been thinking at all before she would have realized that it was never the faceless King in a different city that wanted Russ dead.  This is what comes of not thinking.

“Yes.”  Alisiya set the basket down, and scratched the dog between the ears.  It whined happily, gazing up at her with devotion.  “The world knows them as Leeton’s dogs, but they are my dogs.”

Liseli crossed her arms.  Alisiya, she reminded herself, thought that she could travel across worlds, when she couldn’t.  Alisiya had thought Russ was a worthless obstacle, when he was everything she needed.  She swallowed.  She herself was worthless to Alisiya, who only thought she knew everything.  The King’s daughter saw much but understood none of it, not really.

Liseli didn’t know what to do with this knowledge, though.  If Alisiya realized her mistake, it would probably mean a quick death for Liseli.  She had wanted Russ dead simply because she didn’t think he was of any use to her, and Liseli didn’t see why Alisiya would keep her alive, knowing the truth.

“Where,” she asked, “did you get the basket?”

Alisiya looked at her curiously.  “The village.  I didn’t let myself be seen, but I took food for us.  You haven’t eaten in days.  I thought perhaps something to eat would revive you.”

“Revive me.”

“Yes.  You’re starting to look like a ghost.”

There was silence for a long moment.  Alisiya made no move to open the basket, and Liseli stared unblinking.  Finally she said, “How can you expect me to help you, or eat with you, after everything you’ve done to me?”

“Because you must.”

“What if I can’t?”

“I won’t accept that.  Time grows short.  Put aside your emotions.”  Alisiya quivered with urgency.  “What I just did spared you from more pain and fear than anything you have felt today.  Having a baby grow inside you too fast is like . . . like a monster gnawing at your insides.  I know, because I knew my mother’s thoughts when I was . . . I was . . . when I was gnawing at her insides.  She killed herself.  She loved life and killed herself.  I’ve spared you from that.  If you could only see.”

“I’m not your mother,” Liseli said coldly.

Alisiya clutched her hands into fists, her face working with more emotion than Liseli had yet seen, jaw clenching and eyes wheeling through every shade of blue.  She feared that she had gone too far, and would never live to make Alisiya pay, now.  But then Alisiya sighed out a gust of breath, and without a word bent to open the basket.

After a moment Liseli decided to press on.  “I am very revived.  I think I’ve finally woken up.  All the way.  And do you know what I see?”  She clutched her shirt as she spoke, trying to keep her voice steady.

Alisiya straightened and held her hand out.  “Bread,” she said dryly, and Liseli stared at the roll offered to her.

“No.”  She didn’t take it.  “I see that no matter what you say or do to me, I can never take you to Adayzjia.”

Alisiya pried one hand free and forced the roll into it.  “I’m sorry,” she said, to Liseli’s surprise.  “But you didn’t even know you were pregnant until I told you.  It was not as if it was real to you.  It was preventing you from opening the Gate.  I didn’t think you would react this way.”

The words stung.  “What about Russ?”  She squeezed the roll.  Crumbs dropped between her fingers.  “What about Eliasha?  Why shouldn’t I care that you murdered them?”

“Because,” Alisiya began, then paused, eyes falling to dark violet. “Because, Eliasha was your rival.  And Russ isn’t dead.”

“What?” Liseli dropped the roll.

Alisiya paced a couple steps away, shaking her head.  “I could have let him die.  What would it have mattered?”  She sighed.  “I could have killed him so many times.  But I didn’t.  And then you wouldn’t wake up; you would have drowned.  I gave you the water you needed to heal him, so you would wake up.  You still wouldn’t wake up, but Eliasha saved him for you.  She saved both of you, when I couldn’t.”  She laughed.  “With you as you were, I needed someone to free me from Varaneshe.  So I had to let him live, again.”

“Wait.”  Liseli’s head swam.  Her heart didn’t know what to do, soar or disbelieve or brace for another blow.  “Where is he?  How is he?  How did Eli—”

“The River replaced his blood, knit his wounds.  The River can kill or it can heal; it does what I tell it to.  Eliasha pulled you from the River and brought the River to him.”  Alisiya paced as she spoke.  “Because I wished it.  And then I told him to go to Varaneshe and free me, so I could free you from your dreams, and he did, because I wished it.  And you woke up, because I wished it.  I told you he was dead, because you needed to believe it.  I needed you to believe it.  But I didn’t kill him.  I didn’t think I had to, after all.”  She stopped, then added softly, “I thought he would never make it out of Varaneshe, and I wouldn’t have to . . . .”

“Where is he?” Liseli demanded.

“In the Valley.”

“What?  What valley?”

“This one,” Alisiya said grimly.

“I don’t understand.”

She pointed back down toward the village.  “I saw them coming as I was in the village.  My father and your Russ.  So if you won’t take me through, it’s over.”  Liseli inched back as she saw the anger smoldering in Alisiya’s eyes.  “You failed me.  I can’t get to Adayzjia, and my father will be here soon.  So eat your food.”

“I . . . I don’t understand,” repeated Liseli cautiously.  “What are you going to do?”  She could hardly believe that Alisiya would just give up because her father was drawing near.

“Do?  What can I do?  My father is here.”  Alisiya suddenly sat on the ground, in a heap of dark cloak and dark hair.  The dog licked her hand, and Liseli stared.  “He’ll take me back home and lock me up.  And I was so close.”

Liseli felt no pity for her, not after all she’d done.  She wondered if Alisiya was trying to trick her — could Leeton really do so much?  If he had lost the loyalty of his dogs to her, how could he have any control over her?  Liseli flattened herself against the rock and wondered . . . was Russ really alive?  Was Leeton really coming to take Alisiya home?  Could he really do it if he tried?

“How can he do that?” she asked.

Alisiya looked up, brushed the dog away.  “He’s my father,” she said, as if that should explain.

“Is he that powerful?” Liseli tried to picture such a man.  “You can’t kill him?”

“He’s my father,” she repeated, and Liseli felt herself shiver suddenly.  Alisiya’s tone had changed, it grew childish and helpless, and Liseli was torn between wondering if it was a trick or if she should be afraid.

“I still won’t take you through,” she said.

Alisiya looked up sharply.  “I could still kill Russ.  And I could kill you.  You’ve failed me.”

Liseli clutched her shirt.  “Will you?”

Alisiya shifted slightly, but didn’t get up.  “Eat your food,” she said.  “I know it will happen someday.  Someone will take me through.  I saw it.  It has to be.”

“I want to go find Russ.”  Liseli didn’t want Russ coming up here, by this gate.  She didn’t want Alisiya to know that he could take her through.

“No.”  Alisiya pushed herself to her feet.  “They’re coming here.  We will wait for them.”

“But—”

“We will wait.”

Liseli fell silent.  She didn’t dare antagonize Alisiya.  Instead, she climbed up on the rock and looked down over the Adayzjian Valley, trying to see Leeton and Russ.  She didn’t understand why they were traveling together, when she’d been told Leeton wanted him dead, but she didn’t know what to believe about Leeton anymore.  As long as Russ was alive and safe, she didn’t care.  If Leeton hadn’t hurt Russ, she had nothing to fear from him.