Alisiyad Chapter 36 ~ Return (Part 2)

Russ woke in the middle of the night and found an empty space in the bed where Liseli had been when he fell asleep.  The bedroom Martilia had set up for them had a small balcony outside the window, and that’s where Liseli was, leaning against the wooden railing, staring at the night stars.  She seemed oblivious to the rather cold night air, but that chilly breeze was probably what had woken him.

“Liseli?”

She glanced over her shoulder at him.  “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.  You don’t have to get up,” she said when he started to pull on pants.

“Already up,” he said, smiling as he joined her outside.  He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin lightly on the top of her head, staring out at the night shrouded trees.

“What are we doing tomorrow?” she asked after a moment.

“I don’t know.  What do you want to do?”

She made a little noise and pulled away, turning to look at him.  “You actually have to ask that?”

“Um . . . .”

“I want to go home.”

“Oh.”

While he searched for something else to say, the proper way to react, she continued, “Don’t you?  I mean, what exactly are we doing here?  Ever since we got here we’ve been going further and further away from the Gate that’ll take us home.”

“Things got complicated.”

“But what about now?  I mean, I’ve lost track of how many times we’ve almost died, this seems like the first time in ages we’ve been able to relax and think about what to do next.  But we haven’t talked about it all day, we’re just, I don’t know, hanging out here?”

“Things have changed since last week, haven’t they?” Russ asked uncertainly.

“Changed how?”

“Well . . . everything’s changed,” he shrugged.  “We’re like totally different people.”

“We still have a homeworld, which isn’t this one, and we have families who don’t know where we are.”  She turned back to the railing and leaned against it, shaking her head.  “My first priority is still getting home.  Now that we can go pretty much anywhere we want.”

Russ frowned at her back.  “You really want to go back to the way things were?”

“When we weren’t either running for our lives or killing other people?  Why not?”

“Liseli, remember back a week.  I don’t know about you, but I remember working a shitty job, living with my mother and my bitchy sister, and having pretty much no future.  Things here have been a little dangerous, but we got through it, and I’m not really eager to go back to the shitty burger world.”

She shook her head.  “I didn’t say we should go back to exactly the way things were, I think that’s pretty much impossible anyway.  But that world is ours, even if it’s less than perfect.”

“Maybe for you it was just ‘less than perfect,’ for me it was hell,” Russ went back inside and sat on the bed with a huff.  “Do you realize this has been the first halfway decent week of my life?”

“Russ—”

“I mean it.  Even with all the near dying and stuff, I’ve felt more alive than ever before.  Because here I am something, I’m a Key — not just Russ Markson the nobody fucking loser.”

She stood framed in the doorway and crossed her arms.  “People either wanted to kill you or make you their slave for being a Key.  When Alisiya thought I was a Key she . . . she . . . tortured me.  I am failing to see what is so great about being a Key.”

“I thought you said she didn’t hurt you.”

“Mental torture,” Liseli said tersely.  “Anyway, you know what happened to you.”

“Liseli, look, anytime you have something worth having people are gonna want to steal it, or exploit it, that’s just . . . life.”  He shrugged.  “But it’s still worth having.”

“Well I’m not a Key, Russell,” her voice was taut.  “Maybe I’m missing out on the high of being all magically gifted, but all I see is what’s happened to us because of it, and none of it’s been good.”

“None of it?  So what are you saying?  You just want to forget any of this ever happened?”

“Oh God, if only I could,” she sighed, putting a hand to her temple.

Russ stiffened and looked away, into the dark corner of the room.  “So all that stuff you said about . . . um . . . loving me, I was just imagining that.  Okay.”

She sighed heavily and stomped over to the bed.  “You’re an idiot,” she said, and grabbed his chin to turn his face back toward her.  “I was talking about all 32 flavors of pain, death, and mental anguish these freakshow people have put us through.  And you know that very well, you’re just trying to get me to have guilty sex with you.”

“I was serious,” he said petulantly.  “Back home you hated me, hell I hated myself.  That’s what you want to go back to.”

“Russell,” she sat down next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder.  “First of all, I never hated you.  Second of all, we’ll never be the same again no matter where we go.  We can go back home but we can never go back to exactly what we were.”

“But you want to.”

“No I don’t.  I don’t want to go back to being the girl who mistakenly thinks her life couldn’t suck any worse, and doesn’t realize what’s good around her.  I don’t want to go back to wearing the stupid Mr. Smiley Burger apron and being too afraid of what might happen if I take it off.”  She sighed.  “I’d like to go back and do some things right that I couldn’t before.  I’d like to think that I’m a better person, that I’ve grown up a little, and that’s one of the good things to come of all this.  I’d like to think I can go back home and still see things clearer.  If we go back home and automatically become just what we were, that means whatever we thought we’d gained or learned here was all a lie.  Just some crazy dream.  If I love you sitting here a million miles — or however you measure it — from home, I’d like to think I could still love you back home.”

She kissed the side of his face lightly.  “There, I think that was a good speech.  Was it stirring?  Inspirational?”

Russ smiled, despite himself.  “I guess.  But Liseli . . . there are who-knows-how-many other worlds out there, they’re not all like Adayzjia.  I’m sure they’re not.  Aren’t you curious?”

“No,” she said, softly.  “I’m not.  I’m only one person, why do I need who-knows-how-many worlds to live in?”

“I don’t . . . know,” he floundered.  “I just . . . I want to.  I want to explore.  It’s like I finally get it, I get what life’s about.  It’s exploring and learning new stuff, seeing things I never imagined.  I finally know why I felt so suffocated at home.  I want . . . I need to see what else is out there.”

She was silent, and he felt her running her fingers lightly through his hair as they both stared out at the moonlit mountains.  For a moment he felt as if maybe that was all he really needed, having Liseli touch him lovingly and stay close by.  But he knew, even if she didn’t, that what made her love him now had more to do with being a Key than just being himself.  He was nobody without this newfound ability, not someone worth loving.  If he gave that up he’d lose her love too.  He couldn’t see it turning out any other way.

“So you don’t want to stay here,” she said finally.

“No.  I don’t want to stay anywhere for long, there’s too much to see.  Too many worlds to just stick to one.”

“Well, here’s a thought,” her voice brightened, and he looked at her.  “What if we went home just for now, for the time being, so that we can see our families and let them know we’re okay?  There’ll always be Gates around, right?  You can go adventuring later, can’t you?”

“I guess . . . .”

“After you take us home you can go anywhere you want.”

“But,” he said helplessly, “Liseli, I want you to go with me.”

“Russ I can’t.  This isn’t for me.  I can’t live this way.  I’m not like you, apparently.”  She took his hand and looked down at their interlacing fingers with a little frown.  “Do you really want to drag me around knowing that I’m miserable and afraid all the time?”

“But—”

“And you’ll know where I’ll be.  You’ll know how to find your way back home.”  She looked up with a hopeful little smile, and it made his heart melt.  “I don’t want you to be unhappy and feel like you’re missing out on exploring the universe, so I’m not going to beg you not to.  But I can’t promise to understand all this or to go with you.  The best I can do is promise I’ll be right where you left me so when you come back you can find me.”

“But you’ll be alone.”  I’ll be alone, he added silently.

“Yeah.  But hey—” there was a catch to her voice even though she smiled “—I’m a big girl.  Didn’t you say I bitch-slapped that Leeton into submission even when I was out of it?  See?  I can take care of myself.  And I’ll be home in the boring ol’ U.S. of A., anyway.  You’re the one who wants to chase after danger and . . . go places where you might not be able to return from.”

Russ sighed and fell back across the bed, looking up at the thick logs that made up the rafters of the roof.  The Erykumyns’ mountain home was all thick pine logs and animal skin rugs, like a ski resort.  Not that he’d ever been to a ski resort personally, but he’d seen them on TV.  Most everything he knew about his own world he’d learned from watching it on TV, not experiencing it himself.  Being able to reach out and touch things, go out and do things, that’s what made all the danger worth it.  He thought.

“Maybe we should think about this tomorrow,” he said as Liseli stretched herself out next to him.

“Maybe,” she said with a little shrug, her tone telling him that she didn’t think the morning would change her mind.  Still, he somehow hoped it would.  The idea of exploration didn’t seem quite the same if he had to do it all by himself.