Six Going on Seven, Chapter 5 ~ Gone and Gone

On Wednesday when Mom picked Elly up from school there were bags in the back seat.  Elly reached back to curiously look in them, like she always did, but Mom stopped her and told her to buckle up.  “What did you get?” Elly asked, puzzled because Mom didn’t usually stop her.

“Nothing,” Mom replied with a smile.  “C’mon—” she tilted her chin toward the buckle dangling above Elly’s shoulder “—put your seatbelt on.”

Elly stared at her.  She smiled like she had a secret, but Elly couldn’t think what it was.  She knew Mom had already ordered her birthday present over the phone, so it couldn’t be that.  She put her seatbelt on and settled back as Mom pulled away from the school.

When they got home, they saw Jake’s mom’s car in the driveway.  “That’s odd,” Mom commented as she stopped the car and shifted into park.

Dorthea Clifford used to be Dorthea Markson, but she’d gone back to the name she’d had as a girl.  She said she liked for Elly and her brothers to call her Dori.  She sometimes looked after them; Mom liked her and trusted her more than a teenaged babysitter, she said.  She also often said that she felt sorry for Dori, because of how Jake’s father had left her and then Jake had turned out “badly.”  Dad didn’t like it when she accused Jake of turning out badly, but she never said it around Dori.

Elly was excited to see her car.  She hadn’t expected a visit from Dori till her birthday on Sunday.  She ran ahead of Mom into the house and found Dori in the kitchen with the boys.  The scent of chocolate filled the air, and Elly felt a tinge of annoyance that she’d had to be at school earlier and missed out, before the excitement of Dori’s brownies took over.

“Miss Eliasha,” Dori said without looking up from the mixing bowl, “your timing is impeccable.  I have two beaters which are spoken for, but one lonely spatula and a disconsolate bowl are cheered by your presence.”

Elly giggled, “Hi Dori.”  She was one of the few people who knew when Elly walked into the room without having to look.  Elly liked the way she talked; most people used small words and spoke slowly when addressing her, but Dori spoke in the funniest way, like she was on a stage.  Dori had once been an actress — a Shakespearean actress, she was sure to point out — and she knew the oddest words.

As Elly climbed onto a chair beside Eric, Dori lifted her head and winked.  Dori had red hair, but not red like Elly’s or even Mom’s.  It was orangish red but the same shade all over, as if it had been colored with a crayon.  Mom said that was because it was dyed and didn’t have natural highlights.  Dori wore it short and round like half of a basketball on her head.

“Dorthea, hi,” Mom said, coming in with her arms full.  She kicked the door shut and peered into the living room.  “Did Russ . . . go somewhere?”  Her voice came out a little more high and strained than Elly thought she wanted it to.

Dori straightened, patting Marcus’s head briefly as he inched a finger toward the bowl.  “Ah.”  She smiled apologetically.  “Didn’t you . . . I thought.  Well, he said . . . .”

Mom set the bags down on the floor with a thump and straightened, crossing her arms.  “What did he say?”

“He called me up yesterday and asked if I would look after the boys this morning, because he had to go out.”  Dori shrugged.  “I didn’t ask where.”

“Hm.”  Mom’s frown deepened thoughtfully.

“I’m sorry.”  Dori looked down at her brownie mix.

Mom broke from her frown, waving her hand as she said, “No, it’s nothing.  Thanks for coming over.  He probably went somewhere with the band.”  She stood there for a moment, smiling stiffly as Dori nodded, then she glanced down at the boys.

“Hey guys.”

“Hi Mommy,” Eric responded absently as he hovered over the table, pressing his fingers into the granules of sugar and chocolate powder then licking them off.  “Dori, can I have a beater now?”

“Oh yes indeed, little sir.”  Dori clicked back into her happy face and hurried to unhook the beaters for the eager boys.

“Yeah . . . .”  Mom bent and gathered up the bags.  “Okay. Thanks Dori . . . on such short notice . . . .”

“Oh, it’s my pleasure.” Dori waved her off.

Mom just nodded, and disappeared into the living room with her bags.  For a moment Elly watched her go, wondering what she had in them that she was about to hide in her room.  But then Dori offered her the spatula and bowl, and she turned her thoughts to licking.

As Dori slid the pan of brownies into the oven, Elly heard the unmistakable sound of Noah’s beat up old mustang pulling into the driveway.  She hopped down from her chair and ran to the door, only to be disappointed when she saw that only Noah and Sam were in the car.

“Hey kid.”  Noah barely even looked at her as his brushed past, whipping off his sunglasses in a practiced motion as he entered the house.

Sam gave her a smile.  “Hiya El.”

“Hiya.”  Elly shrugged one shoulder, looking out at the car expectantly.  “Isn’t my Dad with you?”

“What?  No.”  Sam paused, hanging on the doorframe.  “Isn’t he here?”

“No.”

“Huh.  Must be with Jake or something.”  Sam shrugged.  She followed him inside the house, to the kitchen, where Noah was talking to Mom.

“ . . . with me, I had work all day.  And Sam and Jake would have been in school.”  He turned to Sam, “Did you see Jake around today?”

“Yeah, he was around.”  Sam nodded.  “He went over to Kiki’s after school, he’s gonna be here before Wes gets off work, though.  Coupla minutes.  That’s what he said.”

Sam was fifteen and Jake was seventeen, the youngest members of the band.  Mom would sometimes point out to Dad that he was exactly twice as old as Sam, but Elly didn’t really understand why it was such a big deal.  Sam was a little over twice as old as she was, anyway, it wasn’t like he was all that young.

“I thought Russ was with you,” Mom said.

“No, hell I had to work all day.”  Noah turned back to her.  “We had plans to come here and that’s it.”

“Well if he didn’t go somewhere with you . . . and you had your guys’ car,” Sam said, slowly, “He’d have to walk . . . .”

“Brilliant,” said Mom drily, then she pointed out, “unless he went somewhere with someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Dori spoke up, “I didn’t notice how he left.  I was just here for the boys and I didn’t even think to—”

“It’s alright Dori.”  Mom turned, walking to the window and staring out, one hand resting on the edge of the sink and the other on her hip.  She fell silent, and though Elly couldn’t guess what she was thinking she knew it wasn’t alright.

“Didn’t he say when he’d be back, Ma?” Jake asked.

“I don’t . . . I don’t remember.”  Dori looked around helplessly.  “I’m sorry.  Yesterday he said . . . ‘tomorrow morning’ and that’s really all I remember about it.  It wasn’t any trouble to stay later, I was enjoying my time with the boys . . . .”

“Well this is great,” Noah huffed, “we’re supposed to start as soon as Wes gets here.  If Markson’s not home by then . . . .  Shit, he never goes anywhere unless we drag him outta the house, I don’t get this.”

“Maybe he got a job . . . ” Sam suggested.

Mom snorted, and Elly frowned in her direction.  Maybe that was it.  Maybe he’d gone for a job interview, to surprise her.  She’d wanted him to get one for a while, and maybe . . . .  That was probably it.  So maybe he’d even started working already, and that’s why he wasn’t home yet.  Elly felt her unease subside.  It did make sense that way.  Dad wouldn’t just disappear for no reason.

---

Liseli tried not to stare out the windows, or at the doors, or off into space, but it was hard.

Her “houseguests” departed gradually over the course of the afternoon and evening.  First Wes gave up waiting and wandered away, then Noah and Sam left when she made it plain she wasn’t going to be feeding them dinner.  Noah said to have Russ call him when he got back, and slammed the car door in irritation, revving out of the driveway and speeding down the street.  Asshole.  Noah was usually fairly easy going, but throw a wrench in his plans and he stomped around like an overgrown toddler.  She snorted quietly to herself as she watched him and Sam leave.  Yeah, sure.  First thing when Russ gets back, I’ll have him call you.  Very first thing.

Dori, Jake, and Kiki had stuck around longer.  Dori was distressed about Russ’s disappearance because she was worried, not because of it messing up the band practice.  Dori always believed the best about people’s intentions and she couldn’t grasp the idea of Russ being away for so long on purpose without telling anyone where he’d gone or when to expect him back.  She worried out loud that he was in trouble or in the hospital, and she worried about how Liseli and the children would be able to handle it.  She worried most of all that she had caused it.

Liseli didn’t have the heart to push her out of the house, even though the agonizing grated on her nerves.  Dori was like family.  So she ended up feeding dinner to all three of them; Dori on the verge of an ulcer, Kiki on the verge of giving birth, and Jake . . . she could never tell what Jake thought or cared about or was on the verge of doing next.

All through dinner she fought against staring at the door.  She’d tried not to think about Russ, and to shut out any comments Dori made about him in that fluttery, apologetic, worrisome tone.  Liseli knew where he’d gone, even if she couldn’t quite believe it yet; she knew that none of Dori’s suggestions to call around to the hospital or the police would do any good, not where he’d run off to.  There was nothing she could do to find him or find out if he was okay, no.  All she could do was wait, and wonder, and watch for him.

She realized a couple times that she was staring at Jake.  He looked too much like Russ to sit at a table with under those circumstances and not stare at.  The older he got the more he reminded her of Russ.  He was still quite a bit shorter, and skinny at seventeen, with his mother’s light brown hair (her natural color if she wouldn’t dye it orange-red like she did) instead of the black Russ had gotten from their father.  It was straight where Russ’s curled loosely, and Jake wore his shoulder length while Russ’s never got too far below the collar.  Russ looked at the world through hazel eyes and Jake through blue.  But take away those superficial differences, watch some of the expressions and mannerisms and listen to their voices, and the similarity could be eerie at times.

Times like now, she thought with a start when she realized she was staring, analyzing, thinking about his older brother as she made him squirm in his chair.  She wished he’d just leave, and take his worried mother and poor, sweet little ditz of a girlfriend with him.

And they did, Dori telling her to call if Russ showed up, and to call if he didn’t, and to call the police if he didn’t.  After that Liseli had had to reassure the children, lying through her teeth, that Aunt Dori was overreacting and Daddy would be home soon.  She put them to bed and told them Daddy would be there in the morning, and only Elly’s eyes were unbelieving.  It was pointless to lie to Elly, Elly never swallowed a thing.  But what else could she say?

Now the children were in bed and she was alone.  She didn’t know how long she’d been standing in the kitchen, in the dark, in bare feet.  Ever since she’d realized that he’d done it — hopped some Gate somewhere without a word, not a single bloody word — time had become fuzzy.  So long as there were people around she’d gone through the motions and said the things she needed to for them to think she was okay, but now she couldn’t even turn on the lights or keep track of her own whereabouts.  She’d wandered into her bedroom and begun to undress, she remembered, but somehow had ended up here, in front of the sink, still in her shirt and underwear but lacking pants and socks.

She knew what was in the back yard, waiting for her, but she couldn’t look out the window, couldn’t face it, not yet.

He would be back, of course.  There was no way he’d just up and leave the children, especially Elly.  Oh no.  He planned to be back, oh yes, but this was Russ.  Anything could go wrong.  Whatever he thought he was doing, trying to make her mad, or scare her, or tell her he didn’t give a flying fuck about her anymore, whatever his plans, he hadn’t stepped through a Gate in seven years.  He couldn’t know what he was doing.  Where was he going?  Was it the same place he thought it would be?  Things changed so, someplace that was safe for him seven or ten years ago could be hostile, even deadly, now. But Russ wouldn’t stop to think of that, of all the risks, oh no, he’d just do whatever he felt like.

She had to look out the window.  Liseli took a step toward the back door and rested her hands against it.  She saw the child through the screen, the ghost or the vision, she didn’t know.  She didn’t believe in ghosts, but she believed that she could be insane.  It was just hormones, she had told herself the last times in her life when she had seen the ghost of her neverborn child.  Just hormones and bad dreams.  When she’d been pregnant with Elly, then Marcus, and lastly Eric, she had been constantly haunted by those reproachful eyes.  You’ve replaced me, haven’t you?  You could have saved me, couldn’t you?  You would never let what happened to me happen to your new child, would you?

Liseli shook her head, rocking it back and forth against the sharp weave of the metal screen.  How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

“Mommy?”  She felt a tug on the end of her shirt.

She jumped, then took a steadying breath.  “Elly, what are you doing up?”

Elly drew her hand back, flattening it against her chest as she stared up at her mother from wide eyes.  “I can’t sleep.”

Liseli sighed, crouching down so that she had to look up into Elly’s face.  “Neither can I.  But you have to go to bed, you can’t miss school tomorrow.”

“Where’s Dad?”  Elly’s voice clearly said she wanted a straight answer now that the boys were asleep and the others were gone.

Liseli pressed her lips together, trying to think of a way to dodge the question.  Elly regarded her with solemn eyes, an expression so like her father’s that Liseli had to look away for a moment.  “I don’t know,” she admitted.  She wanted to add something reassuring or knowledgeable, but she had nothing.

“Why did he leave?”  The question came out in a whisper.

Liseli looked up.  “Elly, you need your sleep.”

“Did you make him go away?”

“What?” gasped Liseli.  “Why would you say that?”

“Maisie said . . . ” Elly paused, wariness creeping into her eyes.

“Maisie again.”  Liseli didn’t try to hide the disdain in her voice.  “I told you to stop listening to that girl, Eliasha.  She doesn’t know everything.  What did she say?”

“Her mom sent her daddy away and she never sees him.  Her mom doesn’t want her to see him.”  Elly looked at the floor, shrugging.

Liseli opened and shut her mouth a couple times, trying to lay aside the feeling of insult and say something reassuring.  “Well I’m not Maisie’s mom,” she finally snapped.  “And Daddy’s coming home, I just don’t know when.  Alright?”  She took hold of Elly’s arms and ordered, “Look at me.  Your father would never leave you, ever.  He’ll be back.  You don’t need to worry about that.”

Elly met her eyes, but there was no telling this time whether she believed her.  Liseli relaxed her hold and reached up to smooth Elly’s tousled hair from her face.  “Okay, sweetie?  You don’t need to be afraid.”

“But you are, you’re afraid he’s never coming back,” Elly barked out the accusation.

“I . . . .”

“What about what Dori said?  What if he’s hurt?  What if he can’t come back?  We should look for him,” she rushed on, pulling away from Liseli’s hands.

“Elly—” Liseli just shook her head.  She sighed and cross her arms over her knees.  “I don’t . . . know what to say to you.  Your father . . . .”  She paused, knowing she’d have to pick her way through this explanation very carefully.  “Your father left on purpose.  I’m sure he means to come back, but it’s not like Dori said.  He . . . went somewhere far away, and Dori doesn’t know that, she thinks he went somewhere close by and can’t understand why he couldn’t get back right away.”

Elly pounced on her words, retorting, “But you said you don’t know where he is.”

“Shhh, you’ll wake up your brothers.”  Liseli frowned, wondering how Elly had become so stubborn and outspoken.  It must come from her father spoiling her; he gave Elly her way in everything.  “I don’t, but I know more about where he probably went than Dori does.  More than you do,” she added with emphasis.  “We can’t go looking for Daddy.  You have to accept that, and just wait.  He’ll come back, he always does.”

Elly would not be dissuaded.  “He’s never been gone before.”

“Trust me, Elly.”  Liseli tried to keep the ire out of her voice.  Elly was young and afraid, she couldn’t help it if she didn’t grasp that her parents had lives before she was born.  “Go back to bed; there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“Then why are you afraid?”  Elly’s small hands balled into fists at her sides.  “Why don’t you go to bed?”

Liseli opened her mouth to deny, “I’m not afraid,” but the lie stuck in her throat and she knew there was nothing she could say to convince Elly.  She swallowed.  “You have nothing to be afraid of, Eliasha.  That’s all.”

Elly’s eyes searched over her face, worried, confused, disbelieving.  Liseli looked back unflinchingly, fighting to keep the fear from surfacing.  Elly was too observant for her own good, why couldn’t she be like other six-year-olds and take everything her parents said at face value?  You have to lie to your children, she thought fiercely, sometimes you have to protect them from the truth, the truth that you’re weak and afraid and that everything may turn out badly in the end.

“Go to bed,” she said softly.  “He’ll be back before you know it.”

Elly turned, then hesitated.  She glanced up at the screen door a moment before dragging her steps back toward the living room.  Liseli stayed crouching with her arms folded over her knees.  “Go on.”  At the doorway Elly looked back, but then she disappeared around the corner.

In a few moments Liseli stood up and looked out the door again.  The yard was empty and the swings swayed listlessly in the night breeze.  There was nothing there, there probably never had been; her lost child was gone and gone and it was nothing more than guilt that she haunted herself with.