Six Going on Seven, Chapter 7 ~ Promises, part 2

Elly knew that her mother had spoiled the happy homecoming as soon as she heard the door slam.  Dad stiffened and his smile for them became forced.  He didn’t answer their breathless questions about where he’d been, and he wouldn’t show them what he had in his strange looking backpack; laughingly sidestepping their curiosity.

“I’ll tell you all about it later,” he lied, smiling into Eric’s gullible eyes.  Elly could read the lie; wherever he had gone it would remain a secret.

Maybe he would tell Mom.

“Elly Ann—” she knew what he’d be asking “—can you take your brothers out and play for a little bit?”

She looked at him with practiced blankness.

“I think Mommy’s upset and I need to talk to her.”  He put a hand on Elly’s shoulder, giving her that serious, adult-to-oldest-most-trusted-child look.  “Just for a little while.”

“Alright, Daddy.”  She nodded.  She thought that if Mom wasn’t happy to see Dad she should just be left to pout in her room, but she could see it would bother him and he’d be no fun till he’d gotten yelled at.  That’s how it always was.

“Good girl.”  He smiled, giving her shoulder a thump before taking his hand away.  “I’ve got a surprise for you later,” he added, trying to tweak her nose.  But she expertly shifted away; there was something about freckles on the nose that made adults want to tweak and she hated it, even if it was Dad.

“Goody,” she said unenthusiastically, taking her brothers by the hands and dragging them toward the door.  They protested that they wanted Daddy to come out and play, but she told them they’d have to make do with Muttface, who was so stupid in his happiness that he bounded out the door with them and ran around in the yard, forgetting that the source of his joy had remained in the house.

Elly wanted, and did not want, to see what happened between her parents inside.  She knew already that whatever Mom did and said would disgust her; the slamming door guaranteed that.  But she did want to know the outcome, truce or continued fighting, and she knew that that would be her only chance to hear the real story about where Dad had gone.  But none of that mattered, she had to watch the boys.  She’d told Dad she would, and she couldn’t very well disappear right in front of them.  Elly stood pushing Eric on the swing as Marc and Muttface played tug-o-war.  She looked darkly at the house.  Mom couldn’t be normal, she couldn’t hug Dad and be happy he was home, like the rest of them.  She had to slam doors and ruin everything, like she always did.

---

Liseli heard the door open and shut very quietly, but didn’t look up.  Russ set the knapsack on the floor and sat down next to her, close enough that his arm brushed her side.  “I can explain.”

“You smell very bad,” she said, measuredly, to the opposite wall.  “You’ve obviously been wearing the same clothes all week, you need a shower, and a shave.  And I don’t know when you’ve eaten.”

He hesitated; she heard the catch of breath as he rethought what he was going to say.  “Do you want to hear about it?”

She shrugged.  “You’ve been gone, we both know where, doesn’t matter exactly where, they’re all the same to me.”

“Are you gonna look at me sometime?”  His breath brushed across her hair.

She inhaled, involuntarily liking the smell of his unwashed body while at the same time wrinkling her nose for his benefit.  She let the breath out slowly, counting, and responded, “I’m thinking about it.”

“I didn’t mean to be gone all this time,” he said earnestly, and she closed her eyes.  “I had it planned, I thought, I was gonna go to Varaneshe and be back before you got home from work on Wednesday and Dori wasn’t supposed to even tell you I’d been gone . . . .”  He spoke it in a rush then drifted away.

“You went back to Alisiya,” she stated, feeling cold.  Her eyes wanted to fly open but she didn’t let them.  She didn’t want to ask but it got out anyway, “Why?”

“Look at me.”  He took her by the shoulders and pivoted her toward him.  Liseli opened her eyes but turned her head away, refusing to look into his eyes.  She’d fallen for his puppy-dog pleading look one too many times.

“I didn’t mean to stay away so long.”

“Why did you leave in the first place?”

He sighed and let go of her.  She turned back to watch him when he got up and reached for the burlap sack; he rooted around in it for a moment before finding what he wanted.  He backed up and sat back down on the bed again, holding an unassuming string of orange beads draped over his palm.

“It was supposed to be a surprise.”  He held it out to her.  “For Elly Ann’s birthday.  I was trying to think of a good present, and I thought . . . .”

Liseli stared at the beads.  At first glance they looked liked amber, but they had fine spidery lines of red and gold running through them, giving them a soft sparkly glow.  She reached to touch them, unable to resist the urge.  Russ’s hand closed around hers and he held her fast when she tried to jerk away.  She finally looked up into his face.  “Dogseye.”

He nodded, smiling lopsidedly as he touched the side of her face.

Liseli shook her head.  “She’s too young for this kind of gift.”

“It’s just beads.  No one in this world will know it’s valuable, on a seven year old they’ll just assume it’s colored glass.  Trust me.”

“Russell—”

He tilted her chin up and kissed her, swallowing her argument up.  Liseli relaxed as he pulled her close and kissed her hard, but she didn’t forget that she was angry.  She remembered how horny he’d always been after arriving home from his trips to otherworlds — no, horny was not the word for it.  Eager, maybe.  As if he’d never kissed her before, as if every touch was his first.  She’d always liked that, it felt as if everything was new again, exhilarating and dangerous like the first time she’d really known — really admitted — that she loved him.  Sometimes that made all the time he was gone seem worthwhile.

Not this time.  The beads pressing into her hand were a firm reminded of how much heartache he’d caused her this time around.  Liseli opened her eyes; Russ had pushed her down onto the bed and was well on his way to “eagerly discovering” her, but she dug the heel of her hand into his chest, right at the base of his ribs, twisting side to side to cut off his breathing.

“What?”  He drew back, rolling to the side.  Liseli gave him an extra shove and he flopped onto his back.  She sat on his stomach, ignoring his “oof,” and dangled the beads over his face.

“You didn’t go to Alisiya just to get Elly a present.”

“It’s the only place I’ve ever seen dogseye.”

“Don’t play stupid.”  She gave the necklace a little rattle.  “This was an excuse to go.  An excuse you’ve been trying to think up for a while — no, don’t deny it,” she put a hand over his mouth when he tried to speak.  “I’ve seen how you’ve been lately, moping and brooding around the house, hanging out with your teenaged friends, staring off into space.  I’ve even seen you sneaking a read of that book of Leeton’s.  You think about leaving all the time, you’ve been thinking about leaving ever since you promised me not to!”

She took her hand away, and he said, “Noah and Wes are in their twenties, they’re not teenagers.”

“Stop trying to make me angry.”

He smiled.  “I like you feisty.”

Liseli smiled back, briefly, before she hurled the beads across the room.  They struck the wall and scattered onto the floor, no longer a string.

Russ sat up abruptly, bumping her down on his lap.  “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I’m not trying to be kinky, I want you to pay attention to me.”

“That was for Elly Ann.”

“I told you that she’s too young.”

He glowered at her for a moment, silent and seething as he tried to think of something to say.  “I’m just gonna pick them all up and give them to her anyway.”

“She’ll be old enough by the time you find them all,” Liseli said with an indifferent toss of her head.

His hands were on either side of her head in a moment, cupping her jaw between them and holding her gaze on him.  “You are the most aggravating woman I’ve ever met.”

Liseli placed her hands on his forearms and gave him a thin smile.  “Just admit that you’re not happy here.  I know it, you know it.  The difference is obvious, it always has been.  You used to mope around for a few days before going somewhere, then you’d get back and be all bright eyed again.  Nothing’s changed.  If you could just see yourself now.  You’re upset but you’re still glowing, you’re so happy again.”

Russ let go, and she drew her hands back.  “I wasn’t having fun!  I got lost — the Gates changed places and they wouldn’t tell me where to go, and I was too out of practice to figure it out on my own.  I totally fucked up my whole fucking plan, and ended up wandering through a whole bunch of fucking worlds and Gates trying to find my way back.  And this is the fucking ‘welcome home’ I get!”

“Oh poor you!”  Liseli rolled her eyes.  “Just admit it!  It’s a shot in the arm.  Good old Gate magic.  Good old Gate whores, giving you a rush, giving you pleasure every time you go through.  Isn’t that how it works?  Isn’t that what you told me?”

“Yes.  Yes!” he yelled, throwing up his hands.  “I like it.  I fucking love it.”

“You’ve missed it terribly all these years.”

“Yes.”

“It makes you feel alive.”

“Yes.”

She gripped his shirt with both hands and pulled him close, till their faces were almost touching.  “You were lying to me when you said you could live without it.”

“No.”  He kissed her softly.  “I was lying to myself.”

Liseli got off of him and stood up, leaving him sitting deflated on the bed.  She began to get dressed, with her back to him, clenching her teeth together and blinking rapidly. She thought she should be satisfied that she’d finally made him be honest with her, but she wasn’t.

“Liseli—” the bed creaked as he got up “—this doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

She slammed a dresser drawer shut.

“I can’t live without you, either.”

She shook her head.

“I missed you.  I thought about you the whole time I was gone.”

She spun around and flung her socks at him.  “It’s not fair!  You can’t have it both ways, Russell, you just can’t.  You can’t want your Gates when you have me and you can’t want me when you have them!  It doesn’t work that way.”

“I know.  I know it’s wrong.”  He sank back down to sit on the edge of the bed.  “But I . . . I like missing you.  I used to love coming home after a week or a month and seeing you, and . . . well it’s just not the same.  I get restless when things stay the same.”  He looked up, giving her his saddest, pleading eyes.  “I would never leave you forever.”

“If you die you will.  If you get lost and can’t find your way back home you will,” she said, unrelenting.  He was not a boy anymore, he had to face the consequences.  “You have three children.  No, four.  When you leave me, you leave them, and they can’t even begin to understand why.  And I don’t want them knowing because I don’t want them running off to get themselves killed in some otherworld, just like their father, bent on getting into trouble!”

Russ stared at her with his mouth hanging open for a moment.  “Four?” he asked helplessly.

“Yeah.”

Liseli turned away, not focusing on where she looked.  They were silent, and the quietness hung over the room like a fresh coat of snow, muting everything.  She felt numb, even as she thought of the grim implications.  Russ would never be able to leave, he would never be happy as long as he stayed.

“There are better places . . . to raise kids . . . than here,” he finally spoke.

“You won’t be happy settling in any one place, Russ.”  She turned back.  “And I won’t cart four small children around.  Kids need stability.  You can’t keep tearing their roots up.  I won’t do it just to . . . just to preserve our romance.”

He was looking at the floor, but she saw him smile faintly, almost laugh.  “You were afraid to travel with me even before we had kids.”

That isn’t entirely true.  She almost said it out loud, but silenced herself before it could slip.  She reminded herself, firmly, that he could not know how she had lost their first child.  Never.

“I love you, Russ.”  She sat down beside him and took his hand.  “I don’t like seeing you unhappy, and I don’t like knowing that it’s me that’s keeping you from being happy.  I could try to be sweeter towards you, kinder, more patient, you know . . . I know I’m hard to get along with, sometimes.  I could read a thousand books on being a good wife and mother and put it all into practice and I know it wouldn’t be enough.  You’ll always feel restless, and I’ll always know why.”

He sighed.  “I’m a fucking bastard.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”  He looked at her, smiling ruefully.  “I’m just like my dad, you know?  I always hated him . . . I mean, after he left me.  I always told myself I’d never be like him — never happy with anything for long — and look at me.  I’m just like him.”

“No, you’re not,” Liseli shook her head.  “You are not your father and you’re not going to act like him.  Your dad doesn’t think twice about leaving his families.  That’s the kind of asshole your father is.  I mean, come on.”

Russ shook his head.  “My dad stayed with his first family for fifteen years, I’ve only lasted seven, so far.”

“And you know that if you ever go off and start another family I will hunt you down and cut off your balls and make you eat them.”

He smiled ruefully.  “You can’t follow me if I’ve gone to a different world.”

“You’ve given me four little keys, and much as I’d hate to have to use them, I will if I have to.”

The smile turned mischevious.  “I’ll have to remember to take them with me, then.”

“Stop it!”  She started to laugh, despite herself, and gave him a smack.  He couldn’t know that she’d given serious thought to that scenario, when she lay sleepless at night without him.  It sounded so absurd when he said it out loud.  Like a joke.  Ha ha ha, that would never happen.  Would it?

He laughed, but then he grabbed her wrists and said soberly, “I’m never gonna do that.  I’m never gonna be like that.”

“I know.”  She sighed.  “You’re going to do what’s ‘right’ and we’re going to end up hating each other when you get restless and depressed.”

“Shut up.  I’m not gonna get depressed.  I’ve got a wife, I’ve got kids, I’ve got a fucking band — lots of guys don’t have any of that.  Only a bastard would get depressed with all that going for him.  I’m not gonna be a bastard anymore.  I promise.”  He let go of her wrists and hugged her tightly.

Liseli smiled faintly into his shoulder.  “You’re fucked up, Russell,” she said, muffled.  She knew he couldn’t change his nature with a resolution, and he’d just end up even more frustrated when he realized that, too.  “But you’ve never been a bastard.”

“You say that now.”

“Yeah, I do.  And I’m going to make you a promise, right now.”  She drew back so that she could look him in the eye.  “When our kids old enough to take care of themselves, I’m going to come with you, and we’re going to hop Gates together.  And when you tell me that you’re sick of looking at me, sick of me following you everywhere, I’m going to stay right where I am, wherever that is, and say, ‘Fine, go away and come back when you miss me again, I’ll be right here.’  How’s that?”

He looked skeptical.

“It’s a promise, even if you don’t believe me.”

He smiled, shaking his head, and pulled her to him again, kissing her.  Liseli shut her eyes, thinking to just enjoy it this time.  To enjoy her Russ being home.

She saw a flash of something before her eyelids and stiffened.

“What’s the matter?”  Russ felt her go rigid and pulled back with a sigh.

“I don’t know, something.”  Liseli stood up.  It had been Elly she’d seen, for an instant, in her mind’s eye — her lost child, pointing to Elly.  Elly mad, Elly upset, Elly gone.

She turned and ran to the door, and out the room.  She went out the kitchen door and stood in the back yard, panic rising swift and strong.  Her children were nowhere to be seen.