Goldfish

You have no idea how sad you made me.  I cried all the way home.  And the worst part is, you don’t even miss me.

Actually I don’t know if you know that I love you.  Or if you just don’t care.

I could tell you that I overfed them but that would be a lie.  I put a squirt of dish soap in their water because I couldn’t get it out of my head that they were she and you.  You both just looked so happy I couldn’t stand it.

When you gave me the key to your apartment I pretended that it meant something more.  But I have the key to your apartment and you’re not there, so it means nothing at all.

The whole time I helped you pick out the ring I prayed to God, or Satan, or anyone else who might want my soul in exchange, that she would say no.  Or you would change your mind.  Or I could say something that would change everything.  I guess no one wants my soul.

I can’t believe I stood up in your wedding.  And wore that stupid dress.  I hated you so much that day, I still think I might have made it rain, all by myself.

This is a suicide letter.  I’ve written several of these before, and they were all lies.  I never meant to kill myself at all.  I used to write them to my mother so that she would worry about me.  She worried about me so much that she smoked three packs a day and that, that’s why she died.  But you know, I still don’t think that she cared.

I would have told you that I loved you if I thought you wanted to hear.  But I always knew that it would make you uncomfortable and you would get that look that says “Now we can’t even be friends” and it would be

all

my

fault.

I hate the term “just friends” because just means so much less than more.  But I couldn’t stand the idea of living across the hall like strangers because if we couldn’t be just friends we couldn’t be anything at all.  So I never told you, and I never told her, and I wrote you suicide letters.  Lots of them.

Now I’ve killed your goldfish and I don’t want to tell you.  It’s not that I think you’ll hate me for killing them, but I think you know more than you pretend (I don’t lie that well) and so you will know that it wasn’t an accident.  And maybe that’s just one more lie I can’t tell you and watch you pretend to believe.

I’m done lying.  And if you don’t believe me, you should go look in your shower.